Top ten worst cocktail names

Words by: Jane Ryan

15:41 GMT // 4 Mar 2014

From witty puns to catchy phrases, naming cocktails has always been a lot of fun for bartenders. But sometimes the pun goes too far, sometimes it goes beyond too far. And sometimes we have to wonder why?

Beyond the shots, which genuinely never have a good name, Slippery Nipple, Blowjob and Cock Suck & Cowboy come to mind, these are genuine cocktails which have somehow found themselves on menus worldwide. Thanks to everyone who came up with these suggestions.

1. Malibukaki Daiquiri


If you know what this one means we'd suggest deleting your browser history. Google at your own peril.

2. Knob Cheese Martini


We here at diffordsguide love Knob Creek bourbon and believe it should never, ever be paired with mascarpone cheese. But someone did it and named it thus. It's just so wrong.

3. Bloated Bag of Monkey Spunk


Golden rum, peach schnapps, orange curacao, pineapple juice, orange juice. We have the picture to prove this was on a menu. So much for a cocktail epitomising grace and sophistication.

4. Ass Juice


Served in Double Down Saloon in Las Vegas this drink is served in a miniature toilet. We personally don't like drinking anything that vaguely references bodily secretions. Or openly references them for that matter.

5. Penis Extension


Blatant, not classy and certainly won't elongate anything. Not that we've tried it mind you.

6. A Slow Comfortable Screw Against The Wall, On A Dark Side Of Mexico


First there was the Slow Screw, then Southern Comfort was added and it became a Slow Comfortable Screw. Galliano adds the wall (as in Harvey Wallbanger) and some herbal peppermint to the Slow Comfortable Screw. Taking out the galliano and adding
tequila is one step too far we feel. Also ordering one is really not pleasant.

7. Alien Secretion


Green and sticky, you get the picture. This drink uses melon liqueur, rum and pineapple juice and conjures up images best left outside the bar.

8. Grape Vicitim / A Little Bit Grapey/ Date Grape


Anything making a pun on what is an awful and degrading crime really doesn't have a place within the drinks world. Or anywhere for that matter.

9. Irish Car Bomb / Belfast Car Bomb


An Irish Car Bomb is an American beer cocktail that is drunk as a bomb shot, similar to a boilermaker. You won't find it in Ireland, it's mostly confined to the states and you can understand why some might find the name incredibly offensive.

10. I'm On The Dill, You Can Cumin Side Me


We can see the funny side of this, it's certainly a pun but it's just crude and ordering one would be humiliating to say the least.

Dishonorable mentions go to


Sad Whoremaster, Two Tugs on a Mug, The Barman's Boaby (Scottish word for penis), The Mexican Hooker (with run-off from a tin of tuna), The Curse (red drink with a tampon dunked in it), Dirty Bong Water, Shit On The Grass...we were really given too many to pick from.


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